Posts Tagged ‘mostly true’


Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

Harrison Lake

My next door neighbour soaks his feet in formaldehyde every night.

Hundreds of years from now, after the worms and bacteria have destroyed his entire body, his feet will remain remarkably intact. He says it stops the smell. Some poor archaeologist will have a tough time figuring that one out.

Seattle, March 2000. Sparrow et al. had made the mistake of attempting to peel oranges in the backseat of Brad’s van while we were trying to cross the border. When they asked if we were carrying fruits and vegetables, Brad and I said no, the border guards saw the oranges, and long story short, we got searched. They confiscated everything.

We stopped at a grocery store with the largest freezer section I have ever seen. We spent our time wandering around looking at all sorts of things you couldn’t get in most grocery stores at home: bizarre freezer dinners, alcohol (in a grocery store!), organic condoms, soy water and Heinz ketchup that came in thirty-six different types of bottles. People like us don’t need monuments and tourist attractions for amusement.

That was the beginning of a pretty epic trip that ended with me hitching a ride with someone completely different to get back into Canada.

It was a full nine months later that I found the bagel. It had been pushed to the back of the breadbox and I’d forgotten about it but it was unmistakably the last of a bag that I had bought in Seattle.

It looked fine.

It smelled fine.

Hell, it tasted just the same as it had when I thought it was fresh.

I suppose I shouldn’t have eaten it. I’m suspicious of food that doesn’t rot, but I was risking my health for science.

But what did they lace that bagel with? This has bothered me ever since. Maybe when they dig me up they’ll find I’m very well preserved.