Free! Sharp!

I woke up on my parents’ livingroom floor this morning. I had evidently lost the battle with the cat for the choicest portion of my pillow, and the other one had claimed enough of my blanket that I was cold. I lay there faking sleep until I was informed that we were going to go out for breakfast.

Breakfast with the parental unit is nice, but it tends to take about eight hours because it will probably involve something you didn’t really plan for, like buying a couch.

We visited several stores and did a lot of sitting and whacking eachother with throw pillows but I didn’t see anything I particularly liked. Everything was so fucking ugly.

It’s clear to me that designing attractive furniture is a dead art that hasn’t been practiced since the 1940s. But then again, what would I know? I’m quite partial to those nice 1920s couches that you can pick up for free in back alleys.

I said this but my complaints fell on deaf ears. “We’ve been waiting thirty years to buy a new couch,” they said, “if we don’t do it now we’re going to keel over and die.”

We ended up at the mall for an epic throwdown between Sears and the Bay. We tried every single couch at Sears and then headed across the mall undecided to check out the competition where we found that on the whole, the selection was fuglier, but it offered up one reasonable candidate.

This wasn’t going to be an easy decision though. We wandered around the mall, discussing options and then back to Sears where all of the salespeople had completely changed and all of the furniture looked completely different than it had half an hour before. It was too bizarre for us so we got the one at the Bay. It’s fugly but not unacceptably so.

But just about the time I thought we would finally be able to escape the hell that is mall shopping, someone decided that we needed a wrench from Sears for the fan belt on the car.

Now, as far as I’m concerned, the only size of wrench one would ever need is 7/16″.
Preferably two, because otherwise the bolt likes to spin around and never get tight. It’s fun to watch novices try and rig a boat without knowing this.

The metric equivalent just doesn’t work. Makes me wonder what size bolts Empacher puts on boats for the European market. It also kind of makes me wonder what we’ll all do in a couple of years seeing as they seem to be phasing the old measures out.

But suddenly a working-class Brit voice on the PA system announced that they were giving out free paring knives. Free! Sharp! Surgical steel! Come get them now! By the ladies’ handbags section! Free!

A moment later you could hear him again. Did he mention that they were free to anyone over 21? Free? This is your last chance! Get them now!

Well, you don’t get many free things in life anymore. I ran.

I found the free knife booth completely empty. There was a sign that said wait here for free knives. I waited. Nobody came.

I saw a hat that looked interesting. I wandered off a little. I swear the moment my back was turned, a guy approached the booth, took down the free knives sign and left.

I was quite put out about this, so I helped myself.

One Response to “Free! Sharp!”

  1. Margarita Says:

    At Walmart the other day the announcer said you can get a FREE PEELER in the ladies section. So I went. And waited. And had to watch a 20 minute presentation about a EURO slicer shit. With a three year old. Who kept saying “Why is that man doing that?” And then I got a free peeler. woot.

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